


Everyone: Wonder why your friends are like this

by angelheartbeat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Conversations, F/F, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pesterchum Conversations, Pesterlog, Random pesterlogs, pesterchum, pesterlogs, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-10-28 20:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10839246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelheartbeat/pseuds/angelheartbeat
Summary: A bunch of pesterchum shenanigans updated whenever I feel like torturing myself with endless HTMLEnjoy these ridiculous logs





	1. The Ass/Family Log

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat wonders what's so attractive about asses, and the Strilondes assert themselves as the superior family.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo: WHAT IS SEXY ABOUT ASSES???  
CG: ALRIGHT, SHITSTAINS.   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS SO APPEALING ABOUT ASSES?   
CG: DAVE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT MINE AND IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS.   
turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.   
TG: dude   
TG: you have a nice ass   
CG: SHUT IT, STRIDER.   
ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo.   
EB: was it necessary to open a memo to talk about your issue with dave liking your ass?   
TG: apparently so   
TG: the dudes got booty issues   
TG: well it's not an issue   
TG: because you know hot fucking damn   
TG: but he has an issue with me complimenting it   
CG: WHAT PART OF "SHUT IT, STRIDER" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, BULGELICKER?   
TG: harsh words man   
TG: almost as sharp as your horns   
CG: ARE YOU CALLING MY HORNS NUBBY AGAIN, YOU LITERAL PRODUCT OF A HUMAN SHITFEST??   
EB: cool it, karkat!   
CG: YOU COOL IT, JOHN!   
tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.   
TT: Oh dear. I appear to have walked in on a rather heated argument.   
TT: Should I retrieve Kanaya to defuse the situation?   
TG: nah   
TG: karkles just has ass issues   
EB: specifically with dave complimenting it!   
CG: FUCKING HELL, WHY DID PAST ME THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?   
CG: I ALREADY HATE HIM ENOUGH   
TT: I see.   
TT: Any particular reason, Karkat?   
CG: BEHIND WHAT? OPENING THE MEMO OR HATING MYSELF?   
timaeusTestified [TT]  responded to memo.   
TT: I heard self-deprecation.   
TG: i love this   
TG: so much   
CG: I DON'T.   
TT: Hello Dirk.   
EB: hi dirk!!   
TT: Hey.   
TT: What's going on?   
TT: Actually, hold that thought, I'll just read up.   
CG: THIS IS ALREADY A TRAIN WRECK   
CG: I HATE PAST ME EVEN MORE THAN NORMAL RIGHT NOW.   
CG: WHICH IS A LOT.   
CG: EXCUSE ME WHILE I KILL MYSELF.   
TG: aww cmon karkles   
TG: it can't get any worse   
tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  responded to memo.   
TG: heeeyyy  
CG: ITS GETTING WORSE.   
TG: rude  
EB: wow karkat, you might be right. this kind of is a train wreck.   
CG: AT LEAST SOMEONE FUCKING AGREES.   
TT: Back.   
TT: Oh, hey Roxy.   
TG: heey dikry!  
TG: *dicky  
TG: *drirky  
TG: lol nvm  
TT: Roxy, are you drunk?   
TG: nope  
TG: just typos lmoa  
TG: *loma  
TG: you know what I mean  
TG: im loving this more and more with every message   
TG: strilondes are the superior family we're taking over this goddamn memo like it's the middle ages and we're the plague   
TT: Why are we the plague?   
TG: fuck idk man   
EB: that doesn't matter! we're clearly the better family!!   
TG: who do you mean by we   
TG: you don't even have a short catchy family name   
TG: you have like   
TG: harcrocklishbert   
EB: hey!!   
TT: Much as I enjoy agreeing that Strilondes are indeed a wonderful family, I cant help feeling this memo has derailed from the original purpose.   
CG: YEAH, NO KIDDING.   
TG: wait  
TG: wait  
TG: whyre we on this memo anyways?  
TT: Karkat apparently has issues with Dave complimenting his ass.   
TG: is that it??? lol  
CG: SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU. I CAN AND WILL BAN YOU ALL FROM THIS MEMO.   
TG: you love it karkat don't pretend you don't   
CG: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU COMPLIMENTING MY ASS OR THIS SHITFEST OF A MEMO, BUT THE POINT STANDS THAT I LOVE NEITHER.   
EB: we could be called the prospitians!!   
TT: I can't help feeling rather confused.   
TG: john what   
EB: our family!!   
CG: HALF THE TROLLS ARE PROSPIT DREAMERS, FUCKASS.   
EB: oh yeah...   
EB: im trying to think of a name on my own here, okay! none of my family members are on the memo yet.   
TT: Unlike the Strilondes.   
TG: underlining that we're superior!!  
CG: I GUESS WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ASS THING ANYMORE THEN.   
CG: IM GOING TO GO CHEW OUT MY PAST SELF FOR BEING ENOUGH OF AN IDIOT TO EVEN OPEN THIS MEMO.   
EB: aw no karkat stay!!   
EB: we can talk about your ass issues!!   
TT: Indeed. I'm not entirely sure I'm understanding this correctly.   
CG: FINE.   
CG: IN ESSENCE, DAVE KEEPS COMPLIMENTING MY ASS AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE FINDS IT SO ATTRACTIVE.   
TG: im an ass man what can i say   
CG: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.   
TT: Wait, so like, trolls don't find asses sexy or something?   
CG: NO??   
TG: there's ur issue then, karky!  
TT: Quite.   
CG: I STILL DON'T GET IT.   
TT: Karkat, in human culture, asses are considered a sexual thing, or at the very least an appealing feature.   
CG: OH.   
CG: FOR TROLLS THEY'RE JUST KINDA THERE.   
TG: man i can't believe you were so confused about this   
TG: youre just hella hot with a hella hot ass alright  
CG: THAT'S NOT HELPFUL, STRIDER.   
TG: well now that's cleared up  
TG: back to arguing about the superior family?  
CG: ITS THE STRILONDES.   
EB: aw, what??   
CG: STRIDERS A PART OF IT, AND MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO ADMIT IT, I DO LOVE HIM.   
TG: ive never been so honoured   
TT: Does Strider include me?   
CG: NO.   
TT: Nuts.   
EB: no fair, you can't base your opinion off just one member!!   
EB: what about jade, you love her!!   
TG: john, just accept strilondes reign suprme!!   
EB: never!!!   
EB: im gonna get backup!!   
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo.   
TT: I'm going to convince Jake to admit our family is better.   
TT: I mean, we're great in bed.   
TT: He'll have to admit that, I've fucked him enough times.   
TT: Dirk, much as we all love you, I must admit that was rather too much information.   
TG: says the one who regularly talks about her tentacle fetish!  
TG: that is very true   
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.   
CG: WHY DID I SAY YOU'RE THE BETTER FAMILY.   
CG: PAST ME IS EVEN MORE OF AN IDIOT THAN I GIVE HIM CREDIT FOR.   
TG: karkles you know we're great in bed   
TG: you, kanaya, jake and jane all have to admit the strilondes are great in bed   
TG: well actually i don't know how good rose or roxy are but they have strider genes they've gotta be great   
TT: I'm choosing to interpret that as a compliment.   
CG: I DON'T HAVE TO ADMIT SHIT, STRIDER.   
TT: We are great in bed.   
TT: Speaking of, I should go convince Jake to be on our side.   
TG: u go dirky  
TG: i might do the same with janey actually  
timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased responding to memo.   
tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  ceased responding to memo.   
TT: The numbers in this memo appear to be dwindling.   
TG: congrats   
CG: I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS MEMO MOVED FROM MY ASS TO A FIGHT BETWEEN THE HUMANS.   
TG: just go with the flow kark   
TT: Now, I believe I hear Kanaya calling my name.   
TT: See you two later.   
TG: laters rose   
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo.   
TG: you do have to admit im great in bed   
CG: THAT'S IT!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned  turntechGodhead [TG] from responding to memo.   
CG: THAT WAS A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even
> 
> I have no doubts that trolls do see butts as sexual but I wanted to write this alright


	2. The Intervention Log

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk decides Jake's slang has gotten too much and that they need to orchestrate an intervention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How does this keep coming back to sex?? Perhaps we'll never know.

timaeusTestified [TT]  opened memo: This is an Intervention.  
TT: Alright, so Jake's language is ridiculous.   
TT: You guys need to help me stop him.   
golgothasTerror [GT]  responded to memo.  
GT: Dang nab it dirk!   
GT: Theres nothing wrong with how i talk!  
TT: "Dang nab it".   
gutsyGumshoe [GG]  responded to memo.  
GG: What's going on?   
GT: Dirk thinks i need a friggin intervention because i use british slang.  
TT: Outdated British slang.   
GG: There's nothing wrong with Jake's speech, Dirk.   
GT: Thank you jane.   
GT: I know i prattle on a preposterous amount, but really now.   
TT: I mean, it's endearing most of the time.   
TT: But it's a little distracting when...   
TT: Well, in bed.   
GG: Ah.   
GG: Ι can imagine how that wouldn't go down well.   
GT: Botheration.   
gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo.  
GG: what's grandpa been doing??   
TT: We're talking about your grandpa's sex life.   
GG: And how Dirk has an issue with his vocabulary.   
GT: Back me up here jade.   
GT: My vocabulary is admittedly rather different to yours.   
GT: But it's just some banter!   
GG: jake you use the word egad unironically.   
GT: Whats wrong with egad??   
TT: Okay, but where did you even pick up all these words anyway?   
TT: Didnt you like.. grow up alone on an island?   
GG: I have always wondered that.   
GG: spill it, gramps!   
GT: I dont know! It was in some movies or something? Or grandma used that sort of language?   
GT: And it just stuck!   
TT: Well alright, that makes some sense.   
GG: Didnt you realise the way you spoke was rather odd once you made friends with us?   
GT: Well, no.   
GT: Truth be told, i thought you were all rather odd for not speaking the way i did.   
GG: seriously??   
GT: It's not like i had much of a reference for how people should interact!   
TT: Yeah, but neither did I.   
GG: Roxy didnt either.   
GG: Actually, I think I was the only one in our timeline to grow up with actual humans.   
GG: Like, for my entire life.   
GG: besides, once you did start talking to them didnt you get a reference for normal interaction anyway??   
GT: It's rather hard to change the way you choose your words after years alone!   
GT: For frigs sake.   
TT: That, too.   
GT: ?   
TT: Why do you sometimes say frig and sometimes say fuck?   
GT: Alright i dont have an explanation for that one.   
GT: It just sometimes feels more appropriate to say frig and sometimes fuck.   
GG: It can be quite endearing.   
GG: but also quite fucking annoying.   
GT: Harsh!   
GT: It really is just how i speak.   
GT: Like how dave speaks in obnoxiously long complicated metaphors.   
GT: And karkat comes up with his babbling insults.  
GT: And roxy often misspeaks or mistypes!   
GG: roxy has an excuse, though.   
GG: Jake, none of us said it was a hugely terrible thing.   
GG: More funny than anything in my opinion.   
GT: Then whats with this everfriggin intervention?!   
TT: Eh, maybe you've convinced me it's alright.   
TT: I might start saying words like coldcocked and thunderations unironically.   
GG: noooooo!!!   
GG: The English army is building.   
GT: Goodness. I dont know if i should be flattered or offended.   
TT: Neither of them. I'd never be able to keep that up. Jake's gonna stay unique in how he talks, never fear.   
GT: Still dont know if i should be flattered or offended.   
TT: Neither, again. Don't get your British knickers in a twist.   
TT: That's a saying, right?   
GT: Consarn it, dirk! I dont know!   
TT: God, you're adorable.   
GT: ....   
GG: ....   
GG: ...   
TT: .....   
GT: ....   
GT: ...Really?   
TT: Yes really, you dork.   
GT: Goodness, i... *reaches for kerchief and tugs at collar*   
TT: Nope, no kerchiefs. You're just gonna have to deal with the fact that you're cute as fuck.   
GG: well, im out.   
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased responding to memo.  
GG: Definitely feels like I'm intruding now.   
GG: If you need me, I'll be at Roxy's.   
GG: Make sure to use a condom.   
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased responding to memo.  
GT: Well. Goodness.   
GT: I'm rather surprised this is the outcome, considering you orchestrated this bloody intervention in the first place.   
TT: I could never hate anything about you for long.   
TT: Now get over here and lets sort this out in person.   
TT: And heed Jane's advice. Bring a condom.   
GT: Gosh. Well then.   
GT: I'll be there in a minute.   
TT: Hell yeah.   
timaeusTestified [TT]  closed memo.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they gon frick
> 
> I had 0 way to end this so it's rlly awkward hecc


	3. The Embarrassing Moments Log

ectoBiologist [EB] opened memo: i struck gold you guys  
EB: okay so   
EB: guess what i found?   
EB: only daves selfie collection!!   
ectoBiologist [EB] sent image: fuckinggoldyouguys.jpeg  
turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.  
TT: aw cmon man   
TT: those are private   
TT: also fucking ironic you dont know what youre talking about   
EB: also, hilarious!   
TT: you just dont appreciate good irony   
TT: theyre some quality selfies if i do say so myself   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.  
CG: WHATS A SELFIE   
TT: oh my god   
EB: basically it's a picture. that you take. of yourself. and dave takes some really embarrassing cringey ones.   
TT: shut it egbert just because you wouldn't know irony if it hit you in the balls with a twelve foot dong  
CG: SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT PRETENTIOUS PRICK ERIDAN WOULD DO.   
grimAuxillatrix [GA] responded to memo.  
GA: I Agree.   
GA: Although I Am Surprised Your Language Was So Tame In Reference To Eridan, Karkat.   
TT: whoa hey there troll lesbian   
GA: Dave, You Know As Well As I That Trolls Do Not Differentiate Romantic Relationships By Gender, Unlike Humans.   
GA: However, Were I A Human, I Likely Would Be This Lesbian You Keep Using In Conjunction To Rose And I.   
EB: dave, dont try and change the subject!   
EB: you aren't getting out that easily!   
CG: WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO IMPORTANT THAT DAVE DOES SOMETHING THAT SHITHEAD AMPORA WOULD DO ANYWAY   
CG: BESIDES THE FACT THAT AMPORA IS A LITERAL NOOKSTAIN THAT WE'VE HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF KNOWING   
CG: AND I WOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED TO SHARE ANY ACTION WITH HIM.   
GA: There Is The Colourful Language I Expected From You.   
TT: is this eridan douche really that bad   
EB: not the point!!   
EB: the point is that i found your selfies and it was meant to be embarrassing and maybe up this pranksters gambit a little   
EB: but thinking about it it's not all that funny   
CG: I MEAN YOU HAVE BLACKMAIL MATERIAL NOW   
CG: THATS SOMETHING   
TG: why would he need blackmail material yo   
TG: im not that bad   
EB: you do make fun of nic cage a lot   
GA: If I May Offer My Opinion   
TG: go right ahead troll lesbian   
GA: Thank You, I Think.   
GA: John And Karkat, I Am Sure Dave Has No Shortage Of Blackmail Material On The Both Of You   
GA: So I Wouldn't Get Too Cocky.   
TG: oh fuck yeah the one with the chainsaw is on my side   
EB: aw, what??   
CG: STRIDER HAS NOTHING ON ME   
TG: what about that one time you got really confused and annoyed because i kept complimenting your ass   
CG: THAT WAS ONE TIME!!   
GA: It Still Happened.   
GA: I Heard About It From Rose.   
EB: hes got nothing on me though!   
TG: what about that time i caught you practicing what you would say to nic cage if you met him   
EB: fuck   
CG: I'M EMBARRASSED AND IT WASN'T EVEN ME. WOW, EGBERT.   
TG: you were like   
TG: fuckin gushing over him   
TG: ohh mr cage-san youre my senpai daddy baka   
TG: your movies are so good senpai youre such an inspiration   
EB: i was not!!!   
EB: besides, he IS an inspiration!   
GA: I Am Sure Rose Would Have Something To Say About The Psychological Aspect Of That.   
GA: Also... Senpai Daddy Baka?   
GA: What Is A Senpai Daddy Baka?   
TG: oh man   
TG: ohhh man   
TG: this is gonna be good   
CG: ITS JUST DAVE BEING AN IGNORANT SACK OF SHIT LIKE USUAL   
EB: ask rose she should know  
EB: doesn't she have like a tentacle fetish or something?   
EB: oh man that's weird to even think about   
GA: Indeed She Does.   
GA: She Is Very Open About Her Likes, And Rather Enjoys The Danger And Thrill Of Such Power And Sexuality Wrapped Up In A Rather Charming (If I Do Say So Myself) Lady Troll.   
CG: OKAY THAT WAS WAY MORE THAN WE EVER WANTED OR NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE.   
CG: I'M CRINGING EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.   
EB: one word   
EB: that's gross   
TG: that's two words   
GA: Three If You Do Not Count The Contraction.   
CG: IDIOT.   
EB: i didn't think about it before i said it okay!   
TG: clearly   
EB: what's that meant to mean??   
tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  responded to memo.  
TG: woa heyy   
TG: wats goign on???  
TG: *going lol  
EB: i found daves selfies!   
TG: sweeet dude nice goin  
TG: anythign else?  
GA: Roxy, Are You Under The Influence Of Alcohol?   
TG: pff nah  
TG: oky maybe a lil  
TG: but onyl a lil  
TG: *olny  
TG: *noyl  
TG: *lol that got worse  
TG: we're also talking about how johns a weenie   
CG: HOW HE PRACTICES WHAT HE'S GOING TO SAY TO NIC CAGE   
CG: IT'S FUCKING STUPID   
GA: There Is Apparently A "Senpai Daddy Baka" Involved   
EB: im not a weenie!!   
TG: lmoa laaaame  
TG: but then agin  
TG: (haha agin i accidenlly made a alhocol pun)  
TG: (get it)  
TG: (agin)  
GA: We Understood The Pun, Roxy.   
CG: I DIDNT   
TG: mama rox is jsut makin sure  
TG: whta i was gon say is dave has his bad raps  
TG: so  
TG: *good raps   
CG: IM PRETTY SURE NOT EVEN THE MAYOR LIKES THEM   
TG: i have literally never been more offended in my entire life   
EB: his ego is damaged!!! attack!!   
TG: o fuck yea!!  
CG: NOT SO COCKY NOW, HUH STRIDER?   
GA: This Memo Has Rather Moved Subject, I Feel   
GA: I Believe I Will Abscond Now And Work On My Newest Dress   
GA: Have Fun Damaging Daves Fragile Ego   
grimAuxillatrix [GA] ceased responding to memo.   
CG: EVEN KANAYA ROASTED YOU   
CG: THIS IS MY NEW FAVOURITE MEMO   
TG: i feel personally attacked   
TG: i came out here to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now   
EB: stop using old memes!   
TG: you're almots as bad as drik  
TG: an he still ueses pepe  
TG: what's wrong with pepe   
EB: hes literally dead!   
CG: I DONT KNOW WHO OR WHAT PEPE IS   
CG: BUT IF ONE OF THE STRIDERS USES IT ITS LAME AND SHITTY   
TG: heack yea  
TG: liek dave how could u  
TG: shm  
TG: shaking head my   
TG: sh  
TG: was that another attempt or are you shushing me   
TG: yes  
CG: WAIT, YOU TWO ARE MOIRAILS?   
CG: WHY THE FUCK WAS I NOT TOLD   
EB: they're not moi-whatevers, karkat!   
EB: i thought dave told you all about human relationships already??   
CG: IT'S MOIRAILS, JOHN, YOU IGNORANT SACK OF SHIT   
CG: AND HE DID BUT ROXY JUST SHOOSHED HIM AND I DONT CARE IF YOU'RE TROLL OR HUMAN, THATS PRETTY FUCKING PALE.   
TG: shushed   
TG: not shooshed   
TG: theres a diffrebce?   
CG: FUCK NOW I'M CONFUSED   
CG: FUCK YOU ALL   
CG: HAVE FUN WITH YOUR SELFIES AND WHATEVER THE FUCK MOIRAILSHIP-NOT-MOIRAILSHIP IS BLOSSOMING OR WHATEVER DAVE  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo.   
TG: hes so romantic isn't he   
TG: swoon   
EB: back on the subject of selfies   
TG: nic cage senpai daddy baka   
EB: oh for fucks sake!   
EB: ill kick everyone out of this memo if i have to!   
TG: i thunk its jist us now  
EB: im banning you anyway!   
ectoBiologist [EB] banned  turntechGodhead [TG] and  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  from responding to memo.   
tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  unbanned herself from responding to memo.   
TG: sweet hackz lol  
EB: no hacking yourself back in!!   
ectoBiologist [EB] banned  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  from responding to memo.   
EB: this went really downhill   
EB: and i did not call nic cage my senpai daddy baka!   
EB: hmph!   
ectoBiologist [EB] closed memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ???????? i dunno man


End file.
